When May called me to speak at this Ladies’ Meeting, she mentioned it was because she remembered on one occasion, my family visited her home during Chinese New Year and she noted that my children were quite good and well-behaved.
Little did she know that minutes before arriving at her home, I was in the car warning the kids that ‘they had better behave themselves’ or else!
I am sure for those of us here with more than one child will agree with me that God made them all very different. And when they were born, we wished each of them came with a manual, like when you buy an electrical appliance or some gadget, but we know there’s no manual with each of our children.
The topic for today is Loving Your Family. I am sure all of us here, whether married or not, with or without children, all have family: father and mother, brothers and sisters, nephews and nieces, so will be able to relate to parts of this topic quite easily.
Proverbs 24:3-4 says
By wisdom a house is built, and by understanding it is established, and by knowledge the rooms are filled with all precious and pleasant riches.
In this verse, homes are built and established with 3 primary tools: wisdom, understanding and knowledge.
Wisdom is the ability to see with discernment, to view life as God perceives it. By means of wisdom – the skill to see with discernment- a house is rebuilt, restored, so that those within it don’t simply exist, they flourish, they reach their full potential.
I sometimes remind my children that they are not staying in a hotel, ‘so don’t treat the house like a hotel’; that they are all active participants, all contributing to making the house a home.
Do we pray and ask God constantly for wisdom to bring up our children to reach their full potential, not only intellectually (most parents are pushing only this area nowadays), but also reaching their full potential mentally, emotionally as well as spiritually?
Understanding is the skill to respond with insight. By means of understanding-the ability to respond with insight, gaining a full awareness of the situation that results in an insightful response rather than a surface reaction - we bring order to a home.
Often when children disagree or fight amongst themselves, how long does it take before we parents intervene? Immediately? Or only after they have killed each other?
For me, I always try to nip it in the bud, before it becomes overblown and gets ugly. And when the discipline comes, the children expect that it is fairly administered, that if ko-ko was also at fault, then he should also be punished.
As parents, we all know ‘being fair’ requires a lot of understanding – the skill to respond with insight – to be able to access the situation as quickly and as accurately as possible, to see who started it first, to administer the punishment if necessary, and to demand that they apologize to each other if needed.
Mothers are blessed with this instinct and insight more than fathers.
Knowledge is the rare trait of learning with perception, discovering and growing. By means of knowledge – the willingness to learn with perception, knowing the facts and pursuing the truth – we cause each life to be filled with good memories, positive attitude, mutual respect and depth of character.
As parents, we keep on learning in our journey of parenthood. Sometimes we make decisions that we regret later, but we learn from that and move on.
Like it or not, our KL lifestyle forces us to be in the rat-race with everyone else. It causes us to sign up our children in all kinds of activities, like tuition classes, piano classes, art classes, swimming, and the endless list goes on.
So we become exhausted parents to exhausted kids and very often, activities or competitions are held on Sunday mornings. And so sometimes, we have to make tough decisions whether to allow our children to skip church to go for their swimming meet or their ballet classes, and we justify our decisions with excuses. Not easy. A constant struggle…
Let us look at another verse in the Bible, this time in the New Testament, where
Paul writes to his young friend, Timothy, from his prison cell in Rome, in his letter to Timothy in 2 Tim 1:5:
‘I am mindful of the sincere faith within you, which first dwelt in your grandmother Lois and your mother Eunice, and I am sure that it is in you as well.’
Paul knew Timothy’s heritage. He knew Timothy’s grandma and mother. Paul was able to see that the sincere faith Timothy had must have been passed on to him by his mother, Eunice and his mother, from her grandmother, Lois.
What good characteristics are we passing down to our children? Has anybody complimented you the same way Paul complimented Lois and Eunice?
In the same passage in 2 Timothy chapter 1, in verse 7, it says:
For God has not given us a spirit of timidity but of power and love and discipline.
Love and discipline comes together in this verse. Discipline is the setting of parameters or boundaries for our children.
Discipline
In Proverbs 19:18
The Living Bible translation says:
Discipline your son in his early years while there is hope. If you don’t, you will ruin his life.
The Good News Bible says:
Discipline your children while they are young enough to learn. If you don’t, you are helping them destroy themselves.
A child who lives with consistent, fair correction learns that we value him or her. When we care enough to set healthy limits, take the time to enforce the rules, and model the things we expect, children grow up much happier and more secure than those who are given virtually free rein.
Well-loved, justly disciplined children are healthier, and they mature to be more productive, secure adults than those raised in ultra-permissive environments.
In Proverbs 13:24 says:
He who spares his rod hates his son, but he who loves him disciplines him diligently.
We who love our children realize the importance of consistent discipline. Believe it or not, a child grows up more secure when parents maintain these parameters they have established.
There is, however, a distinction between abuse and discipline.
Abuse can be unfair and unexpected, degrading and demoralizing, extremely harsh and brutal, torturous and leaves scars, results from hatred and resentment, creates terror, emotional damage and resentment of authority, destroying self esteem.
Discipline, on the other hand, is fair and expected, upholds dignity, balanced and within limits, painful, but leaves no scars, prompted by love and concern, leads to healthy respect for authority, and strengthens self-esteem.
I believe we cannot use the same form of disciplining on every child. The outcomes are also very different. Different children can handle different types of discipline: some, like my eldest, Joshua, is able to take correction and a word or two is sufficient to get an apology from him. However, my second son, Jeremy, considers the lightest discipline as unfair and abusive. My youngest, Jessica, being a girl, is more sensitive than boys, so after we have scolded or reprimanded her, Jessica would be in her room, and the next morning, there will be little notes of apology, or notes to say she is the saddest little girl alive, or that she is returning that little glass photo frame she doesn’t deserve…
We need to constantly ask God for wisdom, strength and self-control when we discipline our children, don’t we?
There is also a distinction between crushing the spirit and shaping the will.
In Proverbs 15:13, it says:
A happy heart makes the face cheerful, but heartache crushes the spirit.
In Proverbs 17:22, it says:
A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries the bones.
How does one ‘crush the spirit’?
Perhaps through constant, demeaning or derogatory terms or labels like “idiot”, “stupid”, “good-for-nothing” or constantly putting down a child in front of his or her siblings or peers.
When the spirit is crushed, deep inside the child, a light goes out.
The “drive” needed to reach goals and accomplish targets disappear.
Wise is the parent who keeps a protective watch over the child’s fragile spirit, while attempting to shape that stubborn will.
Remember, one of the goals of discipline is to build up a child’s inner strength, to give him the security and self-confidence for the rest of his life.
3 points to note in disciplining our children:
1. Start early
Don’t delay the discipline process. If we wait to start, it only gets harder.
Many verses in Proverbs speak of using the rod.
Proverbs 13:24 (we read earlier) says:
He who spares his rod hates his son, but he who loves him disciplines him diligently.
Proverbs 22:15 says:
Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline will drive it far from him.
Folly or foolishness, bound up in the heart of my child and your child: starting early to shape that foolish will is wise.
2. Stay balanced
Proverbs 23:13-14
Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you punish him with a rod, he will not die. Punish him with the rod, and save his soul from death.
Proverbs 3:11-12 says:
My son, do not despise the Lord’s discipline and do not resent His rebuke, because the Lord disciplines those He loves, as a father, the son he delights in.
It is extremely important for us parents to remember that as the child grows older, there should be less and less physical punishment and more and more verbal correction.
There is no specific age or magic number when this switch occurs. Some children have moved beyond the spanking age much earlier and will resent the physical punishment however well you meant it in the first place. Both Soon Guan and I learnt this the hard way with our second son, Jeremy.
3. Be consistent
If we have established firm rules so that our children understood what is expected, then we must try to follow through with our expectations consistently.
There are times when we are so exhausted after a long day’s work that we don’t have any more energy to deal with certain issues; there are other times when we spank our kids for relatively small issues.
Proverbs 29:17 says:
Discipline your son, and he will give you peace; he will bring delight to your soul.
I would like to end my sharing today with this poem I found by Dorothy Nolte
If a child lives with criticism, he learns to condemn.
If a child lives with hostility, he learns to fight.
If a child lives with ridicule, he learns to be shy.
If a child lives with shame, he learns to feel guilty.
If a child lives with tolerance, he learns to be patient.
If a child lives with encouragement, he learns confidence.
If a child lives with praise, he learns to appreciate.
If a child lives with fairness, he learns justice.
If a child lives with security, he learns to have faith.
If a child lives with approval, he learns to like himself.
If a child lives with acceptance and friendship, he learns to find love in the world.
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